Picking Up The Pieces And Moving On...
Mood:
sad
Now Playing: Yanni - Enchantment
Topic: Life
(Note: This entry should have been posted at 1:00AM, but you know computers, they goof up every so often.)
Just when you think you have it all good, you find out that it's not.
Patrick did come up here yesterday, and we had hit it off long before we met up in person, but when we saw each other it was almost like love-at-first-sight (which after this incident I no longer believe in). We went to the racetrack, myself, him and my best friend, and it was beautiful. He was saying the right stuff, being cool, engaging me in decent and serious convo, and I thought "this could be the one decent person that I can kick it with". He even told me that he wanted to be my Trent and I could be his Raymond (from the E. Lynn Harris novels, my favorites). I found myself breaking one of my rules; falling for him based on what he was telling me and how he was acting.
All that changed when we got home.
We were watching a movie, my best friend and his boyfriend, me and Phillip. Phillip and I were holding each other while watching the movie when we decide to go into the back and talk. So when we have a little privacy, we start talking...I continued to open myself up to him and tell him how I felt in that one night, and he told me that
he couldn't be in any type of relationship with me, that he didn't know if he could be faithful, and that he was still feeling this 17-year old down in Urbana!!! It was like you see on the movies, everything went into slow-motion. I was very hurt and at that point, VERY angry. Everything he had told me from the word go was a LIE. So I not-so calmly walked back into the front room and escorted Mr. Phillip off the premises. But here's the catch, he called me back apologizing (which is good) and wanting to continue to talk to me!!! Needless to say, still hurting and angry from the revelations of the evening, I said some stuff and hung up the phone.
It bothers me how brothas treat each other, especially when we're in a lifestyle that society sees as inherently evil and inmoral. We need not hurt each other or lie to each other, we need to shoot straight with each other and not play games! If you're not feeling a relationship either with that one person or in general, it needs to be said upfront, not a month later. And hear me out brothas, because we all know what we want walking in the door, most of us are just too afraid to say it. If we were honest to ourselves and to the other brothas that we meet, I guarantee you this lifestyle, and this world, would be much better.
As for me, I'm a survivor. I will survive and move on. On to the next level...
Posted by Tim
at 3:41 PM CST
Updated: Sunday, February 20, 2005 11:08 AM CST