It's Done (public entry)
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Trinity United Church of Christ Live Webcast
Topic: Life
(note: this was taken from a private entry dated today and has been edited)

David broke it off with me last night, for reasons that I'm not going into in a public entry. So after he cried all night and cried all this morning, he finally left about 8:00. Did I cry? No, because I'm tired of crying over niggas.

Now everybody wonders why I'm so cold now, this is the reason why. Niggas. Period.

So that's it. I'm done. I'm done with trying to get these knuckleheads to be in a relationship with me. Most of them are only good for one thing: screwing. I'll be alone and that's the bottom line of it.

When You Least Expect It...Part 2
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
OK OK OK...I'm learning how to date. I mean, TRULY date.

My work schedule and Steve's work schedule is so crazy that we can only see each other one day a week, that day being Saturday. But typically Saturday is the day that I take care of everything so that will be difficult. But we're taking it slow, communicating daily, and seeing what's going to happen.

Since we're only dating with no real commitment, that gives us both room to breathe. And so comes Dave, someone I met online. We hit it off great and decided to, of course, take it slow and see what happens. Like Steve, we communicate daily via text messages and and phone calls, and he makes me laugh.

Not too much more to say right about now. Maybe more later...

When You Least Expect It...
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Yanni - Aria
Topic: Life
Re-reading yesterday's entry, I must admit I must've been a little crazy. But I guess negroes will do that to you.

That's why I decided to leave them alone. ALL of them. But before you start to say stuff, hear me out.

There's an individual that I know named Steve. Steve and I tried talking before about two years ago but I was younger and not as mature or smart as I am now. Eventually we lost contact and I moved out of Hyde Park. We caught back up with each other yesterday afternoon and found out that it wasn't truly a done deal with us, in other words the attraction and interest was still there. We decided to pick up where we left off, going slowly.

I said earlier not to say stuff until the end of this entry because Steve is not black. Don't worry about what color or nationality Steve is, because I'm not putting it in here, because that is not really a matter of public record. Just know that he is not black and before/now, has treated me with the utmost respect and better than any brotha has treated me. We went to the mall yesterday and had no problem showing his affection to me. In public. Negroes will not do that. When I said I've left ALL negroes alone, I meant all black men. In the past five years I've had nothing but bad luck, heartache and pain from them. Yes I know caucasians, puerto ricans and all other races have it but at least THEY TRY. That is a lesson that most of our brothas need to learn.

I've said my piece for today. Off to Tar-jay (aka Target). More later...

Picking Up The Pieces And Moving On...
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Yanni - Enchantment
Topic: Life
(Note: This entry should have been posted at 1:00AM, but you know computers, they goof up every so often.)

Just when you think you have it all good, you find out that it's not.

Patrick did come up here yesterday, and we had hit it off long before we met up in person, but when we saw each other it was almost like love-at-first-sight (which after this incident I no longer believe in). We went to the racetrack, myself, him and my best friend, and it was beautiful. He was saying the right stuff, being cool, engaging me in decent and serious convo, and I thought "this could be the one decent person that I can kick it with". He even told me that he wanted to be my Trent and I could be his Raymond (from the E. Lynn Harris novels, my favorites). I found myself breaking one of my rules; falling for him based on what he was telling me and how he was acting.

All that changed when we got home.

We were watching a movie, my best friend and his boyfriend, me and Phillip. Phillip and I were holding each other while watching the movie when we decide to go into the back and talk. So when we have a little privacy, we start talking...I continued to open myself up to him and tell him how I felt in that one night, and he told me that he couldn't be in any type of relationship with me, that he didn't know if he could be faithful, and that he was still feeling this 17-year old down in Urbana!!! It was like you see on the movies, everything went into slow-motion. I was very hurt and at that point, VERY angry. Everything he had told me from the word go was a LIE. So I not-so calmly walked back into the front room and escorted Mr. Phillip off the premises. But here's the catch, he called me back apologizing (which is good) and wanting to continue to talk to me!!! Needless to say, still hurting and angry from the revelations of the evening, I said some stuff and hung up the phone.

It bothers me how brothas treat each other, especially when we're in a lifestyle that society sees as inherently evil and inmoral. We need not hurt each other or lie to each other, we need to shoot straight with each other and not play games! If you're not feeling a relationship either with that one person or in general, it needs to be said upfront, not a month later. And hear me out brothas, because we all know what we want walking in the door, most of us are just too afraid to say it. If we were honest to ourselves and to the other brothas that we meet, I guarantee you this lifestyle, and this world, would be much better.

As for me, I'm a survivor. I will survive and move on. On to the next level...

Most People Have No Class
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Life
You know even in the dating game people are ignorant. Let's take this young kat named Pierre for instance. Comes over to hang for the night with me simply because he lives way out in the middle of butt-hole Egypt and I make it a habit not to move my car after 9:30pm because I don't want to lose my parking spot. So he comes over, we watch The Apprentice and ER, and then he's ready to go to bed. Oh did I mention that we didn't have one on-going conversation during the entire time? In other words this individual, when he leaves in the morning, better not EVER call me or set foot over here again. This is what I get for trying to be nice to people, because I could've told him to get to steppin at the end of ER...on the bus.

Then there's another individual named Patrick that goes to school down in Champaign (which I commend him for). He was supposed to come up here this weekend but he's being wishy-washy about when he's leaving, and I needed to know. So since he couldn't make up his mind I decided to make it for him. He'll be leaving on Saturday, good riddance.

I guess it's time for me to go back to being a royal evil bitch. The only good thing is that tomorrow is Friday, it's jeans day at work, and it's the kickoff of a 3-day weekend...the last until Memorial Day. And you better believe I'm going to attempt to enjoy each and every minute of it.

More later...I'm going to bed. I'm disgusted and have just had one hell of an evening.

Another Day...
Topic: Life
You know it's interesting to see how people truly are. I was telling one of my best friends that most people walk around wearing a mask when they meet people...they let people see what they think they want to see, then eventually they take the mask off and you see the real person. Over the past week I've seen two instances of that. Let's go over them, shall we?

DaShaun. I understand that people have been hurt in the past, but that does not give a person an excuse to base you on their ex. Personally speaking, I am not their ex nor will I act like their ex. In addition, people know what they like and they know what their type is, so why would you enter into something (or try to do the dating game) with someone that is not your type at all? Needless to say, I had to cut him loose simply because I am not a car and refuse to be taken on a test drive.

Most recently, Robert. I had a feeling that wasn't going to work when I laid eyes on him. Robert is attractive and has potential, but I simply do not think he is my type. I tested him last night; I went to Dave and Buster's and won him a teddy bear, and surprised him with it last night. While I wasn't expecting him to hug and kiss me profusely, all I received was a very dry "thank you". I feel that I could've gotton a little more than a dry "thank you". Then he uses these (what I call) "fag words" for stuff. I won't repeat them but I think we all know how "queens" talk...and I hate to say it, but he is one. Bottom line, absolutely not.

It's a crying shame that we're 24 hours to Valentine's Day...and I can't find someone that's even remotely close to my level. Bottom line for this year is that it's not going to happen...not without a miracle.

Well I have a lot of running around to do this morning, so more later...

Trying The Dating Game Again
Topic: Life
Life is good.

Instead of sitting on my ass and feeling so badly for myself, I decided to try the dating game again.

I was passing through City Hall and met this guy named DaShaun. It was very interesting how we met, I was walking one way and he was walking the other and our eyes met, so he turned around and came back to me. We started talking, and ended up going to lunch together. Needless to say I was about 20 minutes late from lunch on account of that! So this evening he came over and we watched Resident Evil 2 and talked...and talked...and talked. We decided to date, talk on the phone, and see each other on Thursday. Not saying I'm going to marry him tomorrow or move him in tonight, we're going to see what happens.

Oh by the way my blog readers, YOU ALL CAN POST COMMENTS AGAIN!

I'm just a softie....
Topic: Life
You know even though I try to be a hard-ass at times, I'm just an old softie.

I was in the elevator in my apartment building this evening when this older guy gets on with flowers and a bottle of wine. It's obvious that he was going to spend a romantic evening with someone.

I would love for someone to come into my life and surprise me one night with wine and flowers. I think that is the ultimate phase in being romantic.

But, there are some things I'd like to know...
Why can't someone come into my life that will TRULY help me with my situation(s)?
Why can't someone come into my life that will romance ME, not vice versa?
Why can't someone care about me as a person, instead of where I live, where I work or what type of car I drive?

I mean I'm not desperately seeking a relationship (or even dating at this point) with someone, but it is a desire. And a desire is not a desperation.

Sorry for the absence...
Mood:  blue
I've been fighting off the flu and haven't been trying to do ANYTHING except get well, and I'll be going back to work tomorrow.

Next week is the Equality Illinois Gala. It's a shame when you don't have a date for an event of this scale (VERY HIGH PROFILE), but it gets even worse when you're so-called "talking" to someone and don't know what's up with them, don't know even if they want to go. This is a serious problem in most of the gay lifestyle...people don't want to communicate. Communication equals effort, and effort is one of the main things you need (next to communication of course). Speaking of the Gala, I peeked at the menu and it promises to be a VERY wonderful evening.
Time to get that suit out of the cleaners.

Now that I'm almost back up to 100% I'll be writing more again...hopefully.

More later...

Life's Been Good To Me...Part 2
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
In my last entry I was saying that I may not have as much as erbody else but I'm happy for what I have. Don't take this the wrong way, but I actually have more than I realized. God just keeps giving chance after chance after blessing after blessing to those that truly believe. Even my current "situation" isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Today I'm going out to Gurnee Mills mall with some friends, and we're going to have a blast! More later...

Life's Been Good To Me
Topic: Life
Sitting here tonight looking out of the window at the rain, it occurred to me how good life has been to me. Yeah I may not have as much as errbody else has, but I do have a decent job...a nice place to live...a car to get around...and friends/family that I can truly count on, whether they be physically here in Chicago or in cyberspace. I am truly grateful for the blessings that God has given me thus far in this journey called LIFE.

I'll be off on Friday, and Monday the Bank is closed. A lovely four-day weekend is approaching, and I can't wait.

Some Funny Stuff
Don't you love it when people attempt to tell you about yourself? I was on the phone with someone tonight and they were attempting to tell me that I "sound angry" when it comes to talking about gay people and most gay clubs. First of all a wise man told me ages ago that you never know what a person has been through, and that a person should not be judged by anyone but God. Secondly, yes I am angry at this lifestyle in this city, simply because individuals have taken it and run it into the ground. It's no longer about having fun, it's all about stabbing people in the back and using them for personal gain. As far as the club scene goes, I REFUSE to pay $10 to go into a tired club to see the same tired sissies (and wanna-be hard core bottoms) and hear the same tired music that I've heard and seen 5 years ago.

And that's my rant and rave for tonight.

IT'S A BLIZZARD!!!
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Life
They're calling for 6-10 inches of snow tonight through tomorrow.

Why is it that I get a phone call from my mother stating that she needed me to call her back ASAP...and when I do all she wants is two packs of cigarettes and a pop???? IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLIZZARD! I called her back and told her that there was simply no way that I was going to come out in all of this bad weather (snow, ice, blowing snow and untreated streets) for that. Now if it were truly an emergency, I would do it. However, under these circumstances, there's no way I'm risking my safety to drive on these bad streets for two non-essential items.

Am I a bad person for that? I hate saying no to my mother but there are certain circumstances where I guess I have to...and a Chicago blizzard is one of them.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Went to watch Service last night with some of my friends. We really had a good time. Got out of service refreshed and renewed about 12:30 and headed home. Finally got to sleep about 4:00am. Then we went to the mall and had a lot of fun. Eventually some of these lovely people are going to have to go home but we've truly had a blast.

I'll be off work on vacation until Wednesday and have absolutely no idea as to how i'll spend my time. Probably get some rest or something.

More later...

I Need A Better Support System...
Topic: Life
Over the past week I have found out who my friends really are...and are not. You know it's really sad when you tell your so-called friends something very serious and very important...and they run. They act like they'll be there for you and don't come and check on you, don't really care how you're doing. Well I don't need individuals like that in my life now more than ever, so they gotta go. Right now I only need people that actually give a damn about me and show that they give a damn, not the occasional phone call once a week or something like that. Friends are there for each other, right? Or do I have a misconception on what friends really are?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
Merry Christmas to everyone!

Not that much going on today, except waiting around for the Miami-Lakers game this afternoon. I so want Kobe to get his butt kicked like he did when they played the Bulls last...lol.

It's almost Christmastime
Christmastime in Chicago...that means it's colorful, cheerful and COLD. Twelve degrees for a high today, and I still have to go to church later. Time to dress warmly!

Well lately I've been trying to get a lot of stuff in order, which is why I haven't been on here. So far I have with friends and family but still have a long way to go. I've learned that some people in my inner circle needed to be cut off (which is what my pastor has been saying for years, "everybody your color ain't your kind").

Time Off To Reflect And Make Changes
Mood:  cool
OK...so I took some time off to be with myself and to think over these things that has been happening to me. I had to make some changes both with my life and with this journal. For starters, I removed the capability to leave comments here. It turns out that there's some individuals out there that like to try and tell me about myself. Too bad their comments never made it to the public eye. And they did it without leaving a name or anything. If you have a comment or something, just e-mail it to me I suppose.

Now, changes with myself. I realized I don't need anybody but God (and my parents) in my life. Friends are wonderful if you really know them. I'm just glad that I somewhat know my closest friends and am now keeping my associates at a distance. I see now I need to be more guarded as people will hate on you, talk about you, and dislike you even though they don't really know you. That's sad really.

The End
Topic: Life
This is the end. From this point on, I am not seeing or desiring a relationship of any kind. I am not opening myself up to anybody new, even in terms of friendship. For right now I don't want anything to do with fags (I hate using that word), queens and wanna-be masculine scrubs. Hell I don't want anything to do with the gay lifestyle at all right now. Let me explain why I feel this way:

First off, I'm tired of the deceitfulness, the lies, the games, the bullshit. Yes I understand it happens in heterosexual relationships too but it's not as evident as with fags, queens and wanna-be masculine scrubs. I'm tired of seeing it run so rampant. I'm just tired.

Now, on to the events of today. Second, I received two e-mails from D after I specifically told him not to e-mail me again. He told me that I'm needy and that I don't have anything because I'm not driving around in a year 2000 model car and that I live in a studio apartment. Let me just say this: I'm grateful to GOD for what I have. I may not be able to shop at Gucci and I may only have a studio apartment with a 1990's car, but I'm grateful for what I have, you materialistic little queen. Speaking of the e-mails, after he ignored my request to cease e-mailing me at work, I contacted his manager at his job and informed him of the situation.

But the icing on the cake goes to this "girl" that lives on 64th and Whipple. I pick him up and we go to KFC. In the drive-thru the guy gives the total but this "girl" has no money!!! At this point I'm ready for him to just go. So I take him to 63rd and King Drive and ask him to leave my car and to take the bus home as agreed to earlier. Then he turns around and says that he didn't make an agreement like that and asked me to take him home. I took him as far as 63rd and Indiana and told him to get out. He did, but not before slamming my door. Do not disrespect me, otherwise you'll be telling your story walking, as this fag did.

So that's it. This chapter of my life is done. No more dating, no more relationships, no more new friends, no more nothing in the gay lifestyle.

I QUIT!!!!!

Untitled
Mood:  down
Topic: Life
D and I went out seperate ways tonight. I made a decision that I felt would be best for me, and that's not to play these games or wait for him to wake up.

I've come to the realization that I am the problem in the relationships that I've tried to forge. I say that because the people that are part of my past (i.e. Cory) are now seeing other people and they are happy, whereas I'm miserable.

And that's the way I guess it was meant to be.