Wow - What A Weekend!
Mood:  happy
This past weekend I spent it in Milwaukee with my baby Ray. I tell you, I had so much fun just being with him.

For starters, Friday night we just stayed in the house and chilled out, watched some movies and went to sleep. Saturday morning Ray and I got up, and he took me to breakfast. Then he showed me around Milwaukee, showed me downtown and all the different sights. After that it was back to the house for a brief rest before going to a comedy show at Potawatomi Casino Saturday night. After the show we went into the casino and played around on the slots a bit. (Yes I won a little somethin-somethin.) We finally left the casino and got back to Ray's house about 1:30AM. Sunday came entirely too quickly, as it was time for me to drive back home to Chicago. I honestly told him today that I hated this back-and-forth thing, that I hated only being able to see him on weekends. I also told him that this sort of thing could be healthy for a relationship; it gives the couple a chance to miss each other, but everything good isn't always good.

Honestly, I didn't want to come back. I wanted to stay with my baby. But responsibilities and duty calls, so here I be. Next weekend Ray is coming back to Chicago so we'll get to hang here.

On a different note, I received my wireless/wired gateway from SBC on Friday. Hooked it up tonight and it's running all good. I got it because Ray (and my friend Paul) have laptops with the wireless technology, so now they can access the Internet without tying up my desktop. It only cost me $150.

More later, time to go to bed and think about my baby.

I'm Home...
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
What a weekend!!!

Ray and I had so much fun together this past weekend. We laughed, we talked, and enjoyed each other's company. We went to a conference this weekend and I have to admit it wasn't what I expected. I expected a lot of "mess" and stupidity, but instead I got the complete opposite. The conference was very well put together, and very informative. In our free time we talked, had fun with each other, and fell in love all over again.

Then, Sunday night came once again, and unfortunately he had to leave me to go back to Milwaukee. But I have to admit that I don't know how much longer we can go seeing each other on weekends only. I'm very tempted to take a position in Milwaukee, move in with Ray and go from there. But I want Ray to move down here with me and we can be together every night. Either way it goes it's obvious that we both really do care for each other and want very badly to be with each other every night, not just on weekends.

I'm waiting for him to get back home now so I can go to sleep. More later....

A Wonderful Type of Feeling
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
I honestly have been blown off my feet.

This weekend I will be in Wisconsin with Ray. I have to admit I'm a little nervous in going, but we all have to come out of our comfort zone every once in a while right? Especially if it's for the greater good of both parties.

I didn't think it was possible to fall for someone so fast. I didn't think there would be anyone out there like him. He's intelligent, sweet, kind, thoughtful, NOT a club-head or a weed-head, loves God as much as I do, and shares most of, if not all of, the same interests as me. I've waited so long for someone like him to walk into my life, and now he's here. I know that in months past I've "felt" other people, but not on the level that I feel Ray. This time he returns what I give, he gives back the same feelings that I give him. There's a couple of passages from his bio that I want to share:
If I am with you, I want to be with you for life, assuming that we are in agreement about what we think a relationship should be. I'm not going to bail when times get hard...in fact, it's during those times when we should get closer. As long as you can love me, respect me, are honest with me and faithful to me, you will have a lover for life...guaranteed. I'm the type of person who is completely dedicated to the relationship. I hear of many people say "We broke up because he got a job somewhere else." I don't subscribe to that thinking. If my partner gets a nice job somewhere else, and after discussing it, we determine it's the best move, WE are packing up an moving. He's not going anywhere without me, and I'm not moving anywhere without him. If we happen to fall upon hard times, and all we have is $1 and a box to live in, I'll take that dollar, go buy us a hamburger, we'll have dinner, and cuddle up in our box for the night. That's how dedicated I am to the man I love who loves me just as much.

See what I've gotton myself into? Do I love it? ABSOLUTELY. Do I want it? HELL YEAH! Does he make me feel good? ABSOLUTELY.

More after I get back on Sunday.

Oh Yeah...It's ALL Good!!!
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: Life
All I can say is, I'm damn lucky.

Ray came down here this weekend. We had so much fun together. I took him to the zoo for the first time in his life (yes, he has never been to a zoo before), and we saw everything. We truly enjoyed our time together. After that we went downtown to eat at Chicago Place. Walked along Michigan Avenue for a little while, then came back home. Sunday we attended church, and he went back home on Monday morning. Needless to say I started missing him 2 minutes after he pulled away. In fact we're missing each other so much, that we've put a hurtin on Sprint and used the hell out of the "PCS to PCS" plan. I won't be surprised if we talk about 1,000 minutes this month...and the PCS to PCS minutes are free. Go figure.

I opened myself up to Ray even more this evening and told him how I truly felt about him. I even used the "L" word to him...which prompted him to say the same thing back. He even sent an e-mail to me which I got when I got home (I was having my car serviced and I told him the "L" word on my cell phone). Some of which he said is below:
I reall wish we were already in the same city, but I guess it adds to the adventure by us being this far apart. I'm contemplating moving there earlier than expecting, and now you are telling me that you are tempted to move here. It's kinda stressful for me right now dealing with the things I'm dealing with and trying to figure out the best way to be with you. I want to be with you EVERY night...I want to share my entire life with you. I want to lay with you every single night of my life, touching you, holding you, loving you, caressing you.

This weekend I'm going to see him. I promise you I can't wait, because I miss him so much. I miss him so much that it hurts. I'm so glad we found each other. I haven't been happy...TRULY happy like this for a long time. And I don't want it to end.

Off to bed...more later.

Happy Days Are Here Again!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
RAY IS HERE!!!!!!!!

Need I say more? More later...

Fear...and Combating It
Topic: Life
Ray is coming back down this weekend to hang with me. We are definitely getting closer. We've spoken each and every day on the phone, conversed for hours on messenger and the phone, even spent a large amount of time on the phone and sending e-mails from work.

Do I really like him? Yes. Am I putting everything into us being together? Possibly. Do I want him? Absolutely. Ray is almost everything that I want in a person (except he's not in Chicago). He's sweet, intelligent, very attractive and enjoys most of the things I enjoy. We have a lot of things in common, and he loves God like I love God. It's very hard to find someone out there that is almost a perfect match for you, and when you find someone like that, you fight for it and you do whatever you have to do to keep it. That's what I'm going to do with Ray.

WHATEVER IT TAKES BABY!

It's A Beautiful Day In The....
Now Playing: MIami Mass Choir - He's My Rock
Topic: Life
Only in Chicago can the temperature be near 70 one day, and the very next day be 30.

Ray came down this past weekend to hang with me. We had a very good time. Took him to church with me and he truly enjoyed the service. Hopefully he'll come to many more church services with me. OK I'm not getting my hopes up, but we're going to just see where this leads us. I mean we have so much in common it's scary...plus he's got a wonderful sense of humor. And he's cute (a shorty, but still cute...lol). Only thing is that he doesn't live near me, but I don't think that's a problem. In fact he wants me to come and see him this weekend, and I'm seriously considering it.

More later...

People and their own agendas
Now Playing: Miami Mass Choir - The Storm Is Passing Over
Topic: Niggas and Negroes
You know it's a damn shame that people play too many games, especially black negroes, and get on their own agendas. I see now why women don't want to be bothered with us, and as a news station reported this week, "more black women are starting to date white men".

My car (Taz) had started overheating and I thought (and still do think) it's the thermostat. Carson came over last night in an attempt to fix the thermostat, and pissed me off by pointing to seven-thousand different things...EXCEPT the thermostat. He said I needed coolant (which I really didn't), then he said the heater core might be bad (but it was working just fine prior to him showing up and dumping anti-freeze all over the place), oh and did I mention that he didn't change the damn thermostat? If I ever see Carson again (or if he comes anywhere NEAR the complex) it'll be too soon. I'm not too happy with him right now, and at this point don't want to see him for any reason. So this morning I'll go out there and do it myself...change the thermostat that is.

The story behind Carson is that first, we agreed that he'd fix the thermostat yesterday (Friday) around 7. Then yesterday morning when I called him, he wanted to fix it Saturday but only wanted to spend the night Friday! In other words, you want some sex (which I am NOT going to give up) but you can't help a brotha with his car...sounds like someone I don't need in my life.

I have out-of-town company this weekend, so more later.

Rejection
Now Playing: Miami Mass Choir - I've Been Changed
Topic: Niggas and Negroes
I've noticed something. Now that I'm getting older, I seem to be attracting the young boys to me (I mean like 18, 19, etc). I make it a rule to not really get to know anyone under 23, and especially not under 21, because what can I do for them and what can they do for me?

Enter Kenny. He wanted so badly to try and talk to me on the first day that we bumped into each other (and I mean literally bumped into each other) downtown. But today I had to tell him that it just wasn't going to work because of his age and the fact that he smokes weed (I try not to date weed smokers either). He snapped and I hung up the phone...three times. This after telling him I'd call the cops if he ever called me again. Suddenly the calls stopped. I guess young boys don't take rejection too well.

It made me think back to when I was that age. I don't recall acting like that, if someone didn't want to be bothered I'd just leave them alone with no hard feelings. But now-a-days it's totally different. Some of them won't stop calling. Some act like it's a fatal attraction. I guess what they say is true, society has changed, and changed in such a way that we as black boys and black men are willing to destroy ourselves and hurt others for no reason what-so-ever. It's sad really. When stuff like this happens I think back to the good ol' days, the days where it was just all about love, about being real (I mean REALLY about being real). The days where you could go outside and not worry about being shot, the days of the good clubs like The Generator (can anybody remember that place?), hanging out on the lake and just talking...can anybody remember those days or am I alone here?

I'd give anything to have those days back, but since we can't turn back the clock, I guess I, and everyone else, will have to get used to it.

Another entry later...

It's Done (public entry)
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Trinity United Church of Christ Live Webcast
Topic: Life
(note: this was taken from a private entry dated today and has been edited)

David broke it off with me last night, for reasons that I'm not going into in a public entry. So after he cried all night and cried all this morning, he finally left about 8:00. Did I cry? No, because I'm tired of crying over niggas.

Now everybody wonders why I'm so cold now, this is the reason why. Niggas. Period.

So that's it. I'm done. I'm done with trying to get these knuckleheads to be in a relationship with me. Most of them are only good for one thing: screwing. I'll be alone and that's the bottom line of it.

When You Least Expect It...Part 2
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
OK OK OK...I'm learning how to date. I mean, TRULY date.

My work schedule and Steve's work schedule is so crazy that we can only see each other one day a week, that day being Saturday. But typically Saturday is the day that I take care of everything so that will be difficult. But we're taking it slow, communicating daily, and seeing what's going to happen.

Since we're only dating with no real commitment, that gives us both room to breathe. And so comes Dave, someone I met online. We hit it off great and decided to, of course, take it slow and see what happens. Like Steve, we communicate daily via text messages and and phone calls, and he makes me laugh.

Not too much more to say right about now. Maybe more later...

When You Least Expect It...
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Yanni - Aria
Topic: Life
Re-reading yesterday's entry, I must admit I must've been a little crazy. But I guess negroes will do that to you.

That's why I decided to leave them alone. ALL of them. But before you start to say stuff, hear me out.

There's an individual that I know named Steve. Steve and I tried talking before about two years ago but I was younger and not as mature or smart as I am now. Eventually we lost contact and I moved out of Hyde Park. We caught back up with each other yesterday afternoon and found out that it wasn't truly a done deal with us, in other words the attraction and interest was still there. We decided to pick up where we left off, going slowly.

I said earlier not to say stuff until the end of this entry because Steve is not black. Don't worry about what color or nationality Steve is, because I'm not putting it in here, because that is not really a matter of public record. Just know that he is not black and before/now, has treated me with the utmost respect and better than any brotha has treated me. We went to the mall yesterday and had no problem showing his affection to me. In public. Negroes will not do that. When I said I've left ALL negroes alone, I meant all black men. In the past five years I've had nothing but bad luck, heartache and pain from them. Yes I know caucasians, puerto ricans and all other races have it but at least THEY TRY. That is a lesson that most of our brothas need to learn.

I've said my piece for today. Off to Tar-jay (aka Target). More later...

Picking Up The Pieces And Moving On...
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Yanni - Enchantment
Topic: Life
(Note: This entry should have been posted at 1:00AM, but you know computers, they goof up every so often.)

Just when you think you have it all good, you find out that it's not.

Patrick did come up here yesterday, and we had hit it off long before we met up in person, but when we saw each other it was almost like love-at-first-sight (which after this incident I no longer believe in). We went to the racetrack, myself, him and my best friend, and it was beautiful. He was saying the right stuff, being cool, engaging me in decent and serious convo, and I thought "this could be the one decent person that I can kick it with". He even told me that he wanted to be my Trent and I could be his Raymond (from the E. Lynn Harris novels, my favorites). I found myself breaking one of my rules; falling for him based on what he was telling me and how he was acting.

All that changed when we got home.

We were watching a movie, my best friend and his boyfriend, me and Phillip. Phillip and I were holding each other while watching the movie when we decide to go into the back and talk. So when we have a little privacy, we start talking...I continued to open myself up to him and tell him how I felt in that one night, and he told me that he couldn't be in any type of relationship with me, that he didn't know if he could be faithful, and that he was still feeling this 17-year old down in Urbana!!! It was like you see on the movies, everything went into slow-motion. I was very hurt and at that point, VERY angry. Everything he had told me from the word go was a LIE. So I not-so calmly walked back into the front room and escorted Mr. Phillip off the premises. But here's the catch, he called me back apologizing (which is good) and wanting to continue to talk to me!!! Needless to say, still hurting and angry from the revelations of the evening, I said some stuff and hung up the phone.

It bothers me how brothas treat each other, especially when we're in a lifestyle that society sees as inherently evil and inmoral. We need not hurt each other or lie to each other, we need to shoot straight with each other and not play games! If you're not feeling a relationship either with that one person or in general, it needs to be said upfront, not a month later. And hear me out brothas, because we all know what we want walking in the door, most of us are just too afraid to say it. If we were honest to ourselves and to the other brothas that we meet, I guarantee you this lifestyle, and this world, would be much better.

As for me, I'm a survivor. I will survive and move on. On to the next level...

Most People Have No Class
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Life
You know even in the dating game people are ignorant. Let's take this young kat named Pierre for instance. Comes over to hang for the night with me simply because he lives way out in the middle of butt-hole Egypt and I make it a habit not to move my car after 9:30pm because I don't want to lose my parking spot. So he comes over, we watch The Apprentice and ER, and then he's ready to go to bed. Oh did I mention that we didn't have one on-going conversation during the entire time? In other words this individual, when he leaves in the morning, better not EVER call me or set foot over here again. This is what I get for trying to be nice to people, because I could've told him to get to steppin at the end of ER...on the bus.

Then there's another individual named Patrick that goes to school down in Champaign (which I commend him for). He was supposed to come up here this weekend but he's being wishy-washy about when he's leaving, and I needed to know. So since he couldn't make up his mind I decided to make it for him. He'll be leaving on Saturday, good riddance.

I guess it's time for me to go back to being a royal evil bitch. The only good thing is that tomorrow is Friday, it's jeans day at work, and it's the kickoff of a 3-day weekend...the last until Memorial Day. And you better believe I'm going to attempt to enjoy each and every minute of it.

More later...I'm going to bed. I'm disgusted and have just had one hell of an evening.

Another Day...
Topic: Life
You know it's interesting to see how people truly are. I was telling one of my best friends that most people walk around wearing a mask when they meet people...they let people see what they think they want to see, then eventually they take the mask off and you see the real person. Over the past week I've seen two instances of that. Let's go over them, shall we?

DaShaun. I understand that people have been hurt in the past, but that does not give a person an excuse to base you on their ex. Personally speaking, I am not their ex nor will I act like their ex. In addition, people know what they like and they know what their type is, so why would you enter into something (or try to do the dating game) with someone that is not your type at all? Needless to say, I had to cut him loose simply because I am not a car and refuse to be taken on a test drive.

Most recently, Robert. I had a feeling that wasn't going to work when I laid eyes on him. Robert is attractive and has potential, but I simply do not think he is my type. I tested him last night; I went to Dave and Buster's and won him a teddy bear, and surprised him with it last night. While I wasn't expecting him to hug and kiss me profusely, all I received was a very dry "thank you". I feel that I could've gotton a little more than a dry "thank you". Then he uses these (what I call) "fag words" for stuff. I won't repeat them but I think we all know how "queens" talk...and I hate to say it, but he is one. Bottom line, absolutely not.

It's a crying shame that we're 24 hours to Valentine's Day...and I can't find someone that's even remotely close to my level. Bottom line for this year is that it's not going to happen...not without a miracle.

Well I have a lot of running around to do this morning, so more later...

Trying The Dating Game Again
Topic: Life
Life is good.

Instead of sitting on my ass and feeling so badly for myself, I decided to try the dating game again.

I was passing through City Hall and met this guy named DaShaun. It was very interesting how we met, I was walking one way and he was walking the other and our eyes met, so he turned around and came back to me. We started talking, and ended up going to lunch together. Needless to say I was about 20 minutes late from lunch on account of that! So this evening he came over and we watched Resident Evil 2 and talked...and talked...and talked. We decided to date, talk on the phone, and see each other on Thursday. Not saying I'm going to marry him tomorrow or move him in tonight, we're going to see what happens.

Oh by the way my blog readers, YOU ALL CAN POST COMMENTS AGAIN!

I'm just a softie....
Topic: Life
You know even though I try to be a hard-ass at times, I'm just an old softie.

I was in the elevator in my apartment building this evening when this older guy gets on with flowers and a bottle of wine. It's obvious that he was going to spend a romantic evening with someone.

I would love for someone to come into my life and surprise me one night with wine and flowers. I think that is the ultimate phase in being romantic.

But, there are some things I'd like to know...
Why can't someone come into my life that will TRULY help me with my situation(s)?
Why can't someone come into my life that will romance ME, not vice versa?
Why can't someone care about me as a person, instead of where I live, where I work or what type of car I drive?

I mean I'm not desperately seeking a relationship (or even dating at this point) with someone, but it is a desire. And a desire is not a desperation.

Sorry for the absence...
Mood:  blue
I've been fighting off the flu and haven't been trying to do ANYTHING except get well, and I'll be going back to work tomorrow.

Next week is the Equality Illinois Gala. It's a shame when you don't have a date for an event of this scale (VERY HIGH PROFILE), but it gets even worse when you're so-called "talking" to someone and don't know what's up with them, don't know even if they want to go. This is a serious problem in most of the gay lifestyle...people don't want to communicate. Communication equals effort, and effort is one of the main things you need (next to communication of course). Speaking of the Gala, I peeked at the menu and it promises to be a VERY wonderful evening.
Time to get that suit out of the cleaners.

Now that I'm almost back up to 100% I'll be writing more again...hopefully.

More later...

Life's Been Good To Me...Part 2
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
In my last entry I was saying that I may not have as much as erbody else but I'm happy for what I have. Don't take this the wrong way, but I actually have more than I realized. God just keeps giving chance after chance after blessing after blessing to those that truly believe. Even my current "situation" isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Today I'm going out to Gurnee Mills mall with some friends, and we're going to have a blast! More later...

Life's Been Good To Me
Topic: Life
Sitting here tonight looking out of the window at the rain, it occurred to me how good life has been to me. Yeah I may not have as much as errbody else has, but I do have a decent job...a nice place to live...a car to get around...and friends/family that I can truly count on, whether they be physically here in Chicago or in cyberspace. I am truly grateful for the blessings that God has given me thus far in this journey called LIFE.

I'll be off on Friday, and Monday the Bank is closed. A lovely four-day weekend is approaching, and I can't wait.