I'm Honored!!!
Topic: Niggas and Negroes
When niggas find it necessary to tell lies about you to people you don't even know, you should be honored. It shows that they are exerting so much energy about you and about the past that they get mad that they fucked shit up.

A certain individual finds it necessary to e-mail everyone that has left a comment in my blog telling lies about me. So let me put the truth out there. Mr. Ray Harrell is the one that is a psycho. When individuals have moved on and forgotton about them, they find it necessary to try and force their way back into your life. They will do anything, say anything, to make themselves seen, and to make it seem like it was the other person's fault. That in itself is usually an ADMISSION OF GUILT.

No one will intimidate me, no one will make me fear them by spreading lies. Especially no tired sick bastard in another state.

So because of this I have blocked all comments to this blog. If you'd like to leave a comment please feel free to e-mail me. Oh by the way a footnote, I had to approve all comments before they were seen, so stupid bullshit was not (and never will be) seen by the public.

Glad It's Done!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Niggas and Negroes
In exchange for getting Ray to leave me alone I agreed to give him back his share of the money he paid for the hotel. I thought I'd have to wait until May 14 but thanks to the good old Bank, I'm able to give him back his money TODAY. (Thank you God!) I'm sending him a check; I seriously hope that he does what the enclosed letter says, which is to cash the check IMMEDIATELY.

This is how much I want to be done with him and to put him behind me.

We now resume our regularly scheduled program - already in progress...

People Can't Get Over Me
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Niggas and Negroes
This entry is all about me this evening.

Why is it that homosexuals that ended a relationship all of a sudden want to question what the ex is doing? Why is it that homosexuals (hence known as fags) want to try and run interference with someone that they do not know?

I'm wondering why Ray is still all up in my business. I know why. Because he hasn't gotton over me yet. I suggest he does, because I've already played past him. Been played past him. Yes I'm dating because I knew from jump that our previous relationship was a JOKE. Am I trying to jump into another relationship? Nah. Am I trying to get to know people? Of course. Who knows, maybe I'll find somebody that isn't a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde or trying to hide something. Maybe I'll find someone that is 100...hell, ONE time better than Mr. Ray Harrell.

More later...

Funtime
Now Playing: Gonna Make You Get Down (mix) - Dweed
Topic: Life
Well needless to say, I had fun on Saturday night when I went out to the Nutbush. Saw a few people that I knew, met some new ones, networked, and had a blast. I initially said to myself that I would be leaving to head home about 12:30-1:00AM..instead I ended up staying until almost 2:00AM! It was that much fun. Probably the funniest moment was when this guy walks up to me and introduces himself. (I forgot his name.) We talk for about 30 seconds when he asks me what I'm doing after I leave the club. I told him "I'm going home". He asked me if I wanted to "hang out" with him and go to this other club way over on 63rd and Harlem somewheres. I probably would've gone with him until he told me "well since you live on the south side it's right by you". Why is it that everybody ASSUMES that because you live in one part of the city that everything is right by you? I turned him down, but not after he bought me another Coca-Cola.

I've been meeting people just to get to know them too. For instance I'm going to meet this guy named Vincent when I go to DC next month. Vincent seems like a cool guy, like someone I'd like to get to know. Only time will tell though. On the home front there's Dre. Now Dre I'm not so sure about because he came over to the house today and fell asleep. Understanding that he was tired, he shouldn't have come over, even if he wanted to see me. First impressions are the ones that last longest, right? My first impression of him is that he was tired, but wanted to see me anyway. Then he fell asleep, got back up, we went to get something to eat, came back to the house, and he wanted to play on the computer while I'm trying to get to know him and talk to him. Finally he leaves, but I digress. Then there's Jason, a brotha that lives on the south side. He's short, dark skinned and attractive. I'd like to see what's up there. Like I said before, right now I'm looking to date, and that's about it.

This weekend myself and a few friends are going to the casino. Haven't decided yet which one to go to, Horseshoe in Hammond or Potawatomi in Milwaukee. Horseshoe in Hammond is closer, but I have comp points for Potawatomi. I'll decide before Friday...I hope.

More later...

Trying Something Different
Now Playing: Seal - Love's Divine
Topic: Life
Being somewhat over the Ray incident now, I've decided to go out tonight. Yes you heard it, tonight I'm going out to shake my booty and have some fun.

I have to admit, going through the "Ray" incident taught me something. It taught me that I'm letting life pass me by and I'm not truly enjoying it. So we're going to try something different. I'm going to get out of the house more, meet new people, keep my friends in the loop and do things for ME, not for other people as I have done in the past.

Going back to tonight, I think I'm going to a club on the northside and will most definitely end up at the Nutbush in Forest Park. I was talking with my friend Iman about going out tonight and he almost fainted...that's how long it's been since I've been out. OK let me spell it out: LAST DECEMBER. Last December I went to the Prop House and said I'd never go there again. Why? $15 to get into a club to see a whole bunch of feminine boys vogue? No thank you. Not my cup of tea.

I updated my webpage tonight. Added some new links and stuff. Made it look a little cooler. Plus I met someone today. His name is Ralph and he lives in Detroit. Now while I'm not looking for a relationship (or even entertaining that option right now) I can still meet people and hang out with them. That's all I'm doing.

More later...

I'm Grateful...
Topic: Niggas and Negroes
I'm grateful that I got away from Ray. He is truly a "dr. jekyll and mr. hyde". One minute he claims to love and miss me, the next minute he's attempting to threaten me. One thing he should know is that I'm not easily intimiated. I know the law and have a pretty damn good lawyer. All of this is referring to the trip to DC next month. He decided yesterday that he didn't want to go because of the breakup. Not once did I tell him not to go. On all of the information, the receipts, everything, it clearly states, NO REFUNDS FOR ANY REASON. Why is he attempting to extort money from me? Because he's angry that we're done, that's why. Sorry kiddo, that's not going to work. And if it takes a restraining order to get him off my back, so be it!

More later...

Untitled
Mood:  sad
Topic: Life
As of this afternoon, Ray and I split up. Not by my choice however. Let me put the story out there. Earlier this morning Ray received a text message while in church that simply said "hey baby". I wanted to know who sent that, so after church I asked Ray who sent it. He said "a friend of mine", and I was ready to leave it at that because I had some other stuff on my mind. We get into an argument over his thinking that I had an attitude because someone sent him a text message (which incidentally, was not the case because I had played past it), we start yelling at each other, he calls me out of my name, and the next thing you know I'm doing 90 on the Dan Ryan trying to get him home to get his stuff, seeing as at this point he was ready to leave. He blamed me for "fucking up the day" and accused me of accusing him of sleeping with someone. (Note, usually people that are like that have something to hide.) We get back to my place and he immediately asks for his money back for the trip to DC. Keep in mind that it says on the info packets that were given out as well as on the receipts that there are NO REFUNDS. My thought on that is if he wants to try, go ahead, but any court of law will see that and immediately throw the case out. He leaves at that point.

I'm actually glad I see all this now because now I see what type of individual he is. Maybe I didn't need to be with someone that is such a spoiled child. And he got one thing right, I do like things to do my way. It's called keeping things orderly. Most people that I know have no problem with it, it's just spoiled children that like to try and run things that have an issue with it. I'm not about to concede, kiss ass or anything of that nature. Either deal with me or step aside.

Seems that Ray chose to step aside.

Not Too Much...
Now Playing: You Only Live Once - Yanni
Topic: Life
Well there's not too much to say today. Ray is coming down tomorrow and we're going to see the White Sox game at US Cellular Field (aka Comiskey Park). I guess for the most part we're ok, even though we have our ups and downs.

I was looking out my window this evening at the city and just thinking about how blessed I am to be where I am right now. True everything isn't perfect, but I'm comfortable. I got a nice job, nice crib, nice ride and even a nice boyfriend, thanks to our Father in Heaven. I'm truly grateful for the blessings both seen and unseen. Speaking of looking out the window, here's the view from my apartment:

More Later.

Isn't It Funny?
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: Virgin Island - Kenny G /// Japan - Kenny G
Topic: Life
Isn't it funny how when you try to tell people something for their own good, they blow it (and you) off?

Isn't it funny that people from your past can't admit that they still have feelings for you...even though the relationship (or lack thereof) ended long ago?

Isn't it funny that when you try to get a straight answer out of people, they want to be full of shit?

That's pretty much my list of questions for the evening. A certain individual (who we'll call Person X) came over this evening and fit the category of all of the questions above. If you've kept up with my entries, you know who Person X is. (Note: Ray, you know who I'm talking about fa sho.) I just wanna know, is it that hard to keep it real about stuff? Have I been sleeping all this time and society changed that much? KEEP IT REAL PEOPLE. In the long run it'll make the world a much better place.

On a personal note, this Saturday I'm going to my first home game of the year for the White Sox at US Cellular Field. I'm pretty excited about it, and Ray will be there with me, so that'll be fun. I mean think about it, two guys, baseball, hot dogs (and beer) and a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Can't beat that!!! My former friend Phillip was supposed to come with me but after this afternoon that won't be happening. What happened...I'm glad you asked! Don't play me for a fool, that's all I'll say on the matter. Don't act like I was born yesterday, and don't try to play stupid games with me. Don't let me believe you want to be friends when you are trying to pretty much stab me in the back. Yeah you might have a flashy car and a nice job, but you don't really have a pot to piss in. None of us do actually, because we're all one half-paycheck away from being homeless, carless and without a friend in the world.

Think I've said enough for this evening. More later...

Decisions - Some Made For Me, Some Made By Me
Now Playing: Japan - Kenny G
Topic: Niggas and Negroes
This entry has been labeled PRIVATE by the weblog author.

You gotta be kiddin me!!!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Japan - Kenny G
Topic: Niggas and Negroes
This entry has been labeled PRIVATE by the weblog author.

It's The Weekend!!
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Rescue - Ashanti
Well it's the weekend again, so you know what that means...Ray is in town. :)

Last night we went to a meet-and-greet for one of my PRIDE members at work. We honestly had a good time, even though he (Ray) arrived about 15 minutes LATE...but I blame traffic on that. We stayed at the meet-and-greet for about an hour, then we went home and chilled out for a bit, then went to Indiana to get gas and just to ride around for a while.

Saturday we got up and did some sightseeing. I got some good pictures in, like the one below from Rainbow Beach:

Tonight we're going to a gala for the Center on Halsted at the Sheraton. Mayor Daley is being honored for his work in the community and such. I have to admit, I hope that Ray isn't another Kiantae in terms of benefits. Kiantae was someone I dated back in 2003, and needless to say it ended badly. I compare Ray to Kiantae in this way; there was a function back on 11/23/03 that we attended, it was not as high-class and as important as the affair tonight. I invited Kiantae to come with and he truly didn't have a good time. It showed, BADLY. Yes I was embarassed, especially when a couple of people that knew me came up to me and asked me what was his problem! Now at that event (as this one tonight) I was representing the job and the company, and he pulled a number like that. Unbelieveable. Tonight's event is even more important because, as I said before, Mayor Daley will be there. Ass kissing? ABSOLUTELY!

While Ray and I were out earlier I ran into this guy I haven't seen in about two years named Jerome. I gave him a lift downtown and we said we'd try to meet up later. Now when Jerome and I used to hang out, needless to say he and I were both a little buck-wild, but I'm happy to know that we've BOTH slowed down...and now are "married" to our respective sweethearts, sort of speak. The interesting thing is that on the way downtown, we were talking about the way things USED to be, say 3, 4, 5 years ago. Millenium Park wasn't there that long ago, and it was Grant Park...where all of the gay folks hung out (on top of hanging out at State and Lake downtown and in various other parts of the city). I kinda miss the way things were, because everyone was HAPPY. Nowadays it seems like everyone is bitter, evil, and jaded. Then they took Grant Park away, sent the police to patrol State and Lake, and basically made it impossible to really hang out downtown. Sad to see how things changed...seemingly overnight.

Time to get ready for this event tonight. More later.

Trials and Tribblations...
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
A whole lot of things have happened since we last were together.

Let's start with Ray. Yes the road has been bumpy but for the most part we're still all good. We've debated over a multitude of topics; I'll get to that later. He came down here this past weekend and we had a wonderful time. Friday evening we didn't do anything, we stayed in the house and watched TV and chilled out. Saturday we got up and went to North Riverside Mall, drove around and enjoyed each other's company. Sunday we went to Millenium Park and to Dave and Buster's (firsts for Ray), then the weekend came to an end, much to my dismay. I truly hate it when we have to leave each other after a wonderful weekend. In all honesty I'll be glad when we finally get to live, if not together, in the same city, whereas we can see each other more than just on the weekends.

This upcoming weekend Ray is coming down here again, only this time we'll be going to a gala on Saturday night for the Center on Halsted. Mayor Daley is being honored at this dinner, so it should be very exciting!!! Then the following weekend he'll be back here again, this time to go to a White Sox game with me. Then I guess I'll have to go to Wisconsin for a weekend...lol

This isn't to say that it's all happiness with us. We've had our heated discussions about his issues and about our future. Personally I don't like it that he doesn't completely trust me but I now know that in time he will. I know that there will be a whole lot of things that we don't agree on but the trick is to get past it. But I love him, and love truly conquers all.

Some Funny Stuff
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Niggas and Negroes
Why is the world so small? Why is it that people find out you're in a relationship and either (1) crawl out of the woodwork to try and have something that they either (a) discarded or (b) fucked over, or (2) they want to test your will power?

Needless to say this evening Cory came over this evening. Whereas we have fucked around almost every time he has come over in the past tonight it was different. We didn't fuck around. Think Ray had something to do with that? Absolutely! The thing about Cory that I find interesting is that in my opinion he doesn't know what he truly wants, but he wants to believe that he knows what he wants. One of the reasons why it didn't work out when we were dating a while back was because he didn't know what he wanted. Don't get me wrong, I still love him as a friend but that's the extent of it, even though I know he wants more, whether it's a true relationship or a sexual relationship I don't know. But I think we both know that it won't happen. (I know he'll be reading this entry.)

My friend D just buzzed from downstairs. More later....

Wow - What A Weekend!
Mood:  happy
This past weekend I spent it in Milwaukee with my baby Ray. I tell you, I had so much fun just being with him.

For starters, Friday night we just stayed in the house and chilled out, watched some movies and went to sleep. Saturday morning Ray and I got up, and he took me to breakfast. Then he showed me around Milwaukee, showed me downtown and all the different sights. After that it was back to the house for a brief rest before going to a comedy show at Potawatomi Casino Saturday night. After the show we went into the casino and played around on the slots a bit. (Yes I won a little somethin-somethin.) We finally left the casino and got back to Ray's house about 1:30AM. Sunday came entirely too quickly, as it was time for me to drive back home to Chicago. I honestly told him today that I hated this back-and-forth thing, that I hated only being able to see him on weekends. I also told him that this sort of thing could be healthy for a relationship; it gives the couple a chance to miss each other, but everything good isn't always good.

Honestly, I didn't want to come back. I wanted to stay with my baby. But responsibilities and duty calls, so here I be. Next weekend Ray is coming back to Chicago so we'll get to hang here.

On a different note, I received my wireless/wired gateway from SBC on Friday. Hooked it up tonight and it's running all good. I got it because Ray (and my friend Paul) have laptops with the wireless technology, so now they can access the Internet without tying up my desktop. It only cost me $150.

More later, time to go to bed and think about my baby.

I'm Home...
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
What a weekend!!!

Ray and I had so much fun together this past weekend. We laughed, we talked, and enjoyed each other's company. We went to a conference this weekend and I have to admit it wasn't what I expected. I expected a lot of "mess" and stupidity, but instead I got the complete opposite. The conference was very well put together, and very informative. In our free time we talked, had fun with each other, and fell in love all over again.

Then, Sunday night came once again, and unfortunately he had to leave me to go back to Milwaukee. But I have to admit that I don't know how much longer we can go seeing each other on weekends only. I'm very tempted to take a position in Milwaukee, move in with Ray and go from there. But I want Ray to move down here with me and we can be together every night. Either way it goes it's obvious that we both really do care for each other and want very badly to be with each other every night, not just on weekends.

I'm waiting for him to get back home now so I can go to sleep. More later....

A Wonderful Type of Feeling
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
I honestly have been blown off my feet.

This weekend I will be in Wisconsin with Ray. I have to admit I'm a little nervous in going, but we all have to come out of our comfort zone every once in a while right? Especially if it's for the greater good of both parties.

I didn't think it was possible to fall for someone so fast. I didn't think there would be anyone out there like him. He's intelligent, sweet, kind, thoughtful, NOT a club-head or a weed-head, loves God as much as I do, and shares most of, if not all of, the same interests as me. I've waited so long for someone like him to walk into my life, and now he's here. I know that in months past I've "felt" other people, but not on the level that I feel Ray. This time he returns what I give, he gives back the same feelings that I give him. There's a couple of passages from his bio that I want to share:
If I am with you, I want to be with you for life, assuming that we are in agreement about what we think a relationship should be. I'm not going to bail when times get hard...in fact, it's during those times when we should get closer. As long as you can love me, respect me, are honest with me and faithful to me, you will have a lover for life...guaranteed. I'm the type of person who is completely dedicated to the relationship. I hear of many people say "We broke up because he got a job somewhere else." I don't subscribe to that thinking. If my partner gets a nice job somewhere else, and after discussing it, we determine it's the best move, WE are packing up an moving. He's not going anywhere without me, and I'm not moving anywhere without him. If we happen to fall upon hard times, and all we have is $1 and a box to live in, I'll take that dollar, go buy us a hamburger, we'll have dinner, and cuddle up in our box for the night. That's how dedicated I am to the man I love who loves me just as much.

See what I've gotton myself into? Do I love it? ABSOLUTELY. Do I want it? HELL YEAH! Does he make me feel good? ABSOLUTELY.

More after I get back on Sunday.

Oh Yeah...It's ALL Good!!!
Mood:  vegas lucky
Topic: Life
All I can say is, I'm damn lucky.

Ray came down here this weekend. We had so much fun together. I took him to the zoo for the first time in his life (yes, he has never been to a zoo before), and we saw everything. We truly enjoyed our time together. After that we went downtown to eat at Chicago Place. Walked along Michigan Avenue for a little while, then came back home. Sunday we attended church, and he went back home on Monday morning. Needless to say I started missing him 2 minutes after he pulled away. In fact we're missing each other so much, that we've put a hurtin on Sprint and used the hell out of the "PCS to PCS" plan. I won't be surprised if we talk about 1,000 minutes this month...and the PCS to PCS minutes are free. Go figure.

I opened myself up to Ray even more this evening and told him how I truly felt about him. I even used the "L" word to him...which prompted him to say the same thing back. He even sent an e-mail to me which I got when I got home (I was having my car serviced and I told him the "L" word on my cell phone). Some of which he said is below:
I reall wish we were already in the same city, but I guess it adds to the adventure by us being this far apart. I'm contemplating moving there earlier than expecting, and now you are telling me that you are tempted to move here. It's kinda stressful for me right now dealing with the things I'm dealing with and trying to figure out the best way to be with you. I want to be with you EVERY night...I want to share my entire life with you. I want to lay with you every single night of my life, touching you, holding you, loving you, caressing you.

This weekend I'm going to see him. I promise you I can't wait, because I miss him so much. I miss him so much that it hurts. I'm so glad we found each other. I haven't been happy...TRULY happy like this for a long time. And I don't want it to end.

Off to bed...more later.

Happy Days Are Here Again!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
RAY IS HERE!!!!!!!!

Need I say more? More later...

Fear...and Combating It
Topic: Life
Ray is coming back down this weekend to hang with me. We are definitely getting closer. We've spoken each and every day on the phone, conversed for hours on messenger and the phone, even spent a large amount of time on the phone and sending e-mails from work.

Do I really like him? Yes. Am I putting everything into us being together? Possibly. Do I want him? Absolutely. Ray is almost everything that I want in a person (except he's not in Chicago). He's sweet, intelligent, very attractive and enjoys most of the things I enjoy. We have a lot of things in common, and he loves God like I love God. It's very hard to find someone out there that is almost a perfect match for you, and when you find someone like that, you fight for it and you do whatever you have to do to keep it. That's what I'm going to do with Ray.

WHATEVER IT TAKES BABY!