Fear...and Combating It
Topic: Life
Ray is coming back down this weekend to hang with me. We are definitely getting closer. We've spoken each and every day on the phone, conversed for hours on messenger and the phone, even spent a large amount of time on the phone and sending e-mails from work.

Do I really like him? Yes. Am I putting everything into us being together? Possibly. Do I want him? Absolutely. Ray is almost everything that I want in a person (except he's not in Chicago). He's sweet, intelligent, very attractive and enjoys most of the things I enjoy. We have a lot of things in common, and he loves God like I love God. It's very hard to find someone out there that is almost a perfect match for you, and when you find someone like that, you fight for it and you do whatever you have to do to keep it. That's what I'm going to do with Ray.

WHATEVER IT TAKES BABY!

It's A Beautiful Day In The....
Now Playing: MIami Mass Choir - He's My Rock
Topic: Life
Only in Chicago can the temperature be near 70 one day, and the very next day be 30.

Ray came down this past weekend to hang with me. We had a very good time. Took him to church with me and he truly enjoyed the service. Hopefully he'll come to many more church services with me. OK I'm not getting my hopes up, but we're going to just see where this leads us. I mean we have so much in common it's scary...plus he's got a wonderful sense of humor. And he's cute (a shorty, but still cute...lol). Only thing is that he doesn't live near me, but I don't think that's a problem. In fact he wants me to come and see him this weekend, and I'm seriously considering it.

More later...

People and their own agendas
Now Playing: Miami Mass Choir - The Storm Is Passing Over
Topic: Niggas and Negroes
You know it's a damn shame that people play too many games, especially black negroes, and get on their own agendas. I see now why women don't want to be bothered with us, and as a news station reported this week, "more black women are starting to date white men".

My car (Taz) had started overheating and I thought (and still do think) it's the thermostat. Carson came over last night in an attempt to fix the thermostat, and pissed me off by pointing to seven-thousand different things...EXCEPT the thermostat. He said I needed coolant (which I really didn't), then he said the heater core might be bad (but it was working just fine prior to him showing up and dumping anti-freeze all over the place), oh and did I mention that he didn't change the damn thermostat? If I ever see Carson again (or if he comes anywhere NEAR the complex) it'll be too soon. I'm not too happy with him right now, and at this point don't want to see him for any reason. So this morning I'll go out there and do it myself...change the thermostat that is.

The story behind Carson is that first, we agreed that he'd fix the thermostat yesterday (Friday) around 7. Then yesterday morning when I called him, he wanted to fix it Saturday but only wanted to spend the night Friday! In other words, you want some sex (which I am NOT going to give up) but you can't help a brotha with his car...sounds like someone I don't need in my life.

I have out-of-town company this weekend, so more later.

Rejection
Now Playing: Miami Mass Choir - I've Been Changed
Topic: Niggas and Negroes
I've noticed something. Now that I'm getting older, I seem to be attracting the young boys to me (I mean like 18, 19, etc). I make it a rule to not really get to know anyone under 23, and especially not under 21, because what can I do for them and what can they do for me?

Enter Kenny. He wanted so badly to try and talk to me on the first day that we bumped into each other (and I mean literally bumped into each other) downtown. But today I had to tell him that it just wasn't going to work because of his age and the fact that he smokes weed (I try not to date weed smokers either). He snapped and I hung up the phone...three times. This after telling him I'd call the cops if he ever called me again. Suddenly the calls stopped. I guess young boys don't take rejection too well.

It made me think back to when I was that age. I don't recall acting like that, if someone didn't want to be bothered I'd just leave them alone with no hard feelings. But now-a-days it's totally different. Some of them won't stop calling. Some act like it's a fatal attraction. I guess what they say is true, society has changed, and changed in such a way that we as black boys and black men are willing to destroy ourselves and hurt others for no reason what-so-ever. It's sad really. When stuff like this happens I think back to the good ol' days, the days where it was just all about love, about being real (I mean REALLY about being real). The days where you could go outside and not worry about being shot, the days of the good clubs like The Generator (can anybody remember that place?), hanging out on the lake and just talking...can anybody remember those days or am I alone here?

I'd give anything to have those days back, but since we can't turn back the clock, I guess I, and everyone else, will have to get used to it.

Another entry later...

It's Done (public entry)
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Trinity United Church of Christ Live Webcast
Topic: Life
(note: this was taken from a private entry dated today and has been edited)

David broke it off with me last night, for reasons that I'm not going into in a public entry. So after he cried all night and cried all this morning, he finally left about 8:00. Did I cry? No, because I'm tired of crying over niggas.

Now everybody wonders why I'm so cold now, this is the reason why. Niggas. Period.

So that's it. I'm done. I'm done with trying to get these knuckleheads to be in a relationship with me. Most of them are only good for one thing: screwing. I'll be alone and that's the bottom line of it.

When You Least Expect It...Part 2
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
OK OK OK...I'm learning how to date. I mean, TRULY date.

My work schedule and Steve's work schedule is so crazy that we can only see each other one day a week, that day being Saturday. But typically Saturday is the day that I take care of everything so that will be difficult. But we're taking it slow, communicating daily, and seeing what's going to happen.

Since we're only dating with no real commitment, that gives us both room to breathe. And so comes Dave, someone I met online. We hit it off great and decided to, of course, take it slow and see what happens. Like Steve, we communicate daily via text messages and and phone calls, and he makes me laugh.

Not too much more to say right about now. Maybe more later...

When You Least Expect It...
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: Yanni - Aria
Topic: Life
Re-reading yesterday's entry, I must admit I must've been a little crazy. But I guess negroes will do that to you.

That's why I decided to leave them alone. ALL of them. But before you start to say stuff, hear me out.

There's an individual that I know named Steve. Steve and I tried talking before about two years ago but I was younger and not as mature or smart as I am now. Eventually we lost contact and I moved out of Hyde Park. We caught back up with each other yesterday afternoon and found out that it wasn't truly a done deal with us, in other words the attraction and interest was still there. We decided to pick up where we left off, going slowly.

I said earlier not to say stuff until the end of this entry because Steve is not black. Don't worry about what color or nationality Steve is, because I'm not putting it in here, because that is not really a matter of public record. Just know that he is not black and before/now, has treated me with the utmost respect and better than any brotha has treated me. We went to the mall yesterday and had no problem showing his affection to me. In public. Negroes will not do that. When I said I've left ALL negroes alone, I meant all black men. In the past five years I've had nothing but bad luck, heartache and pain from them. Yes I know caucasians, puerto ricans and all other races have it but at least THEY TRY. That is a lesson that most of our brothas need to learn.

I've said my piece for today. Off to Tar-jay (aka Target). More later...

Picking Up The Pieces And Moving On...
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Yanni - Enchantment
Topic: Life
(Note: This entry should have been posted at 1:00AM, but you know computers, they goof up every so often.)

Just when you think you have it all good, you find out that it's not.

Patrick did come up here yesterday, and we had hit it off long before we met up in person, but when we saw each other it was almost like love-at-first-sight (which after this incident I no longer believe in). We went to the racetrack, myself, him and my best friend, and it was beautiful. He was saying the right stuff, being cool, engaging me in decent and serious convo, and I thought "this could be the one decent person that I can kick it with". He even told me that he wanted to be my Trent and I could be his Raymond (from the E. Lynn Harris novels, my favorites). I found myself breaking one of my rules; falling for him based on what he was telling me and how he was acting.

All that changed when we got home.

We were watching a movie, my best friend and his boyfriend, me and Phillip. Phillip and I were holding each other while watching the movie when we decide to go into the back and talk. So when we have a little privacy, we start talking...I continued to open myself up to him and tell him how I felt in that one night, and he told me that he couldn't be in any type of relationship with me, that he didn't know if he could be faithful, and that he was still feeling this 17-year old down in Urbana!!! It was like you see on the movies, everything went into slow-motion. I was very hurt and at that point, VERY angry. Everything he had told me from the word go was a LIE. So I not-so calmly walked back into the front room and escorted Mr. Phillip off the premises. But here's the catch, he called me back apologizing (which is good) and wanting to continue to talk to me!!! Needless to say, still hurting and angry from the revelations of the evening, I said some stuff and hung up the phone.

It bothers me how brothas treat each other, especially when we're in a lifestyle that society sees as inherently evil and inmoral. We need not hurt each other or lie to each other, we need to shoot straight with each other and not play games! If you're not feeling a relationship either with that one person or in general, it needs to be said upfront, not a month later. And hear me out brothas, because we all know what we want walking in the door, most of us are just too afraid to say it. If we were honest to ourselves and to the other brothas that we meet, I guarantee you this lifestyle, and this world, would be much better.

As for me, I'm a survivor. I will survive and move on. On to the next level...

Most People Have No Class
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Life
You know even in the dating game people are ignorant. Let's take this young kat named Pierre for instance. Comes over to hang for the night with me simply because he lives way out in the middle of butt-hole Egypt and I make it a habit not to move my car after 9:30pm because I don't want to lose my parking spot. So he comes over, we watch The Apprentice and ER, and then he's ready to go to bed. Oh did I mention that we didn't have one on-going conversation during the entire time? In other words this individual, when he leaves in the morning, better not EVER call me or set foot over here again. This is what I get for trying to be nice to people, because I could've told him to get to steppin at the end of ER...on the bus.

Then there's another individual named Patrick that goes to school down in Champaign (which I commend him for). He was supposed to come up here this weekend but he's being wishy-washy about when he's leaving, and I needed to know. So since he couldn't make up his mind I decided to make it for him. He'll be leaving on Saturday, good riddance.

I guess it's time for me to go back to being a royal evil bitch. The only good thing is that tomorrow is Friday, it's jeans day at work, and it's the kickoff of a 3-day weekend...the last until Memorial Day. And you better believe I'm going to attempt to enjoy each and every minute of it.

More later...I'm going to bed. I'm disgusted and have just had one hell of an evening.

Another Day...
Topic: Life
You know it's interesting to see how people truly are. I was telling one of my best friends that most people walk around wearing a mask when they meet people...they let people see what they think they want to see, then eventually they take the mask off and you see the real person. Over the past week I've seen two instances of that. Let's go over them, shall we?

DaShaun. I understand that people have been hurt in the past, but that does not give a person an excuse to base you on their ex. Personally speaking, I am not their ex nor will I act like their ex. In addition, people know what they like and they know what their type is, so why would you enter into something (or try to do the dating game) with someone that is not your type at all? Needless to say, I had to cut him loose simply because I am not a car and refuse to be taken on a test drive.

Most recently, Robert. I had a feeling that wasn't going to work when I laid eyes on him. Robert is attractive and has potential, but I simply do not think he is my type. I tested him last night; I went to Dave and Buster's and won him a teddy bear, and surprised him with it last night. While I wasn't expecting him to hug and kiss me profusely, all I received was a very dry "thank you". I feel that I could've gotton a little more than a dry "thank you". Then he uses these (what I call) "fag words" for stuff. I won't repeat them but I think we all know how "queens" talk...and I hate to say it, but he is one. Bottom line, absolutely not.

It's a crying shame that we're 24 hours to Valentine's Day...and I can't find someone that's even remotely close to my level. Bottom line for this year is that it's not going to happen...not without a miracle.

Well I have a lot of running around to do this morning, so more later...

Trying The Dating Game Again
Topic: Life
Life is good.

Instead of sitting on my ass and feeling so badly for myself, I decided to try the dating game again.

I was passing through City Hall and met this guy named DaShaun. It was very interesting how we met, I was walking one way and he was walking the other and our eyes met, so he turned around and came back to me. We started talking, and ended up going to lunch together. Needless to say I was about 20 minutes late from lunch on account of that! So this evening he came over and we watched Resident Evil 2 and talked...and talked...and talked. We decided to date, talk on the phone, and see each other on Thursday. Not saying I'm going to marry him tomorrow or move him in tonight, we're going to see what happens.

Oh by the way my blog readers, YOU ALL CAN POST COMMENTS AGAIN!

I'm just a softie....
Topic: Life
You know even though I try to be a hard-ass at times, I'm just an old softie.

I was in the elevator in my apartment building this evening when this older guy gets on with flowers and a bottle of wine. It's obvious that he was going to spend a romantic evening with someone.

I would love for someone to come into my life and surprise me one night with wine and flowers. I think that is the ultimate phase in being romantic.

But, there are some things I'd like to know...
Why can't someone come into my life that will TRULY help me with my situation(s)?
Why can't someone come into my life that will romance ME, not vice versa?
Why can't someone care about me as a person, instead of where I live, where I work or what type of car I drive?

I mean I'm not desperately seeking a relationship (or even dating at this point) with someone, but it is a desire. And a desire is not a desperation.

Sorry for the absence...
Mood:  blue
I've been fighting off the flu and haven't been trying to do ANYTHING except get well, and I'll be going back to work tomorrow.

Next week is the Equality Illinois Gala. It's a shame when you don't have a date for an event of this scale (VERY HIGH PROFILE), but it gets even worse when you're so-called "talking" to someone and don't know what's up with them, don't know even if they want to go. This is a serious problem in most of the gay lifestyle...people don't want to communicate. Communication equals effort, and effort is one of the main things you need (next to communication of course). Speaking of the Gala, I peeked at the menu and it promises to be a VERY wonderful evening.
Time to get that suit out of the cleaners.

Now that I'm almost back up to 100% I'll be writing more again...hopefully.

More later...

Life's Been Good To Me...Part 2
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
In my last entry I was saying that I may not have as much as erbody else but I'm happy for what I have. Don't take this the wrong way, but I actually have more than I realized. God just keeps giving chance after chance after blessing after blessing to those that truly believe. Even my current "situation" isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Today I'm going out to Gurnee Mills mall with some friends, and we're going to have a blast! More later...

Life's Been Good To Me
Topic: Life
Sitting here tonight looking out of the window at the rain, it occurred to me how good life has been to me. Yeah I may not have as much as errbody else has, but I do have a decent job...a nice place to live...a car to get around...and friends/family that I can truly count on, whether they be physically here in Chicago or in cyberspace. I am truly grateful for the blessings that God has given me thus far in this journey called LIFE.

I'll be off on Friday, and Monday the Bank is closed. A lovely four-day weekend is approaching, and I can't wait.

Some Funny Stuff
Don't you love it when people attempt to tell you about yourself? I was on the phone with someone tonight and they were attempting to tell me that I "sound angry" when it comes to talking about gay people and most gay clubs. First of all a wise man told me ages ago that you never know what a person has been through, and that a person should not be judged by anyone but God. Secondly, yes I am angry at this lifestyle in this city, simply because individuals have taken it and run it into the ground. It's no longer about having fun, it's all about stabbing people in the back and using them for personal gain. As far as the club scene goes, I REFUSE to pay $10 to go into a tired club to see the same tired sissies (and wanna-be hard core bottoms) and hear the same tired music that I've heard and seen 5 years ago.

And that's my rant and rave for tonight.

IT'S A BLIZZARD!!!
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Life
They're calling for 6-10 inches of snow tonight through tomorrow.

Why is it that I get a phone call from my mother stating that she needed me to call her back ASAP...and when I do all she wants is two packs of cigarettes and a pop???? IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLIZZARD! I called her back and told her that there was simply no way that I was going to come out in all of this bad weather (snow, ice, blowing snow and untreated streets) for that. Now if it were truly an emergency, I would do it. However, under these circumstances, there's no way I'm risking my safety to drive on these bad streets for two non-essential items.

Am I a bad person for that? I hate saying no to my mother but there are certain circumstances where I guess I have to...and a Chicago blizzard is one of them.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Went to watch Service last night with some of my friends. We really had a good time. Got out of service refreshed and renewed about 12:30 and headed home. Finally got to sleep about 4:00am. Then we went to the mall and had a lot of fun. Eventually some of these lovely people are going to have to go home but we've truly had a blast.

I'll be off work on vacation until Wednesday and have absolutely no idea as to how i'll spend my time. Probably get some rest or something.

More later...

I Need A Better Support System...
Topic: Life
Over the past week I have found out who my friends really are...and are not. You know it's really sad when you tell your so-called friends something very serious and very important...and they run. They act like they'll be there for you and don't come and check on you, don't really care how you're doing. Well I don't need individuals like that in my life now more than ever, so they gotta go. Right now I only need people that actually give a damn about me and show that they give a damn, not the occasional phone call once a week or something like that. Friends are there for each other, right? Or do I have a misconception on what friends really are?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
Merry Christmas to everyone!

Not that much going on today, except waiting around for the Miami-Lakers game this afternoon. I so want Kobe to get his butt kicked like he did when they played the Bulls last...lol.