The End
Topic: Niggas and Negroes
OK so last night Re'ale (notice the name isn't in bold anymore!) and I had a conversation. Actually more of a final fight since there was more yelling than conversing. All I wanted to know was what was going on...I mean REALLY going on. He stuck to his lie...I mean story about why he didn't call, saying things like I didn't know you couldn't leave messages on voicemail, it didn't occur to me to call your cell phone or to text message you. Now let us not forget that we've dated for over a month, and how many messages has he left on my voicemail at work? Also let us not forget that he has never forgotten to text message me or call my cell phone. Let us just say that he is a 19 year old...well I digress.

So after he told me these lies and I basically told him to cut the crap, I asked him if he thought this was a joke. HE STARTED GIGGLING. At that point I'm so angry that I'm literally seeing red, and I start shaking (the international sign that I'm ready to explode). At that point, I did. I told him to fuck off and to have a good fucking time at Northern...with a heavy emphasis on fucking.

My associate Charles was at the house and unfortunately, witnessed my episode. He calmed me down before I took him home and drove around the city until about 11:30pm, then came back home and went to bed.

Switching Gears....
The event that I'm hosting on Thursday made the RedEye newspaper this morning (page 29) and is listed on Metromix! I guess good things do some out of a somewhat difficult situation.

I'm leaving work at 1:00pm today. More later...

NOT a Normal Tuesday
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Niggas and Negroes
I've got a few things to get off of my chest, so sit back and enjoy the ride......

First off, shout-outs to Tony, Trent, Vincent and ChurchBoy. A SPECIAL THANK YOU to Tony for letting me vent before he went to work this afternoon.

Here we go...
For starters, I simply do not understand why negroes simply want to continue to play games. Re'ale spent the night at my house last night, and when we left this morning it was by way of public transportation. He doesn't live in the safest area in the city so I asked him to call me when he got home. He agreed. SIX AND A HALF HOURS LATER I had to call him to see what was up! Needless to say I ended up getting very angry with him and slamming the phone down because personally, I feel that if a person agrees to do something, they should do it and not dick around about it. If a person is truly concerned about your safety and wants to make sure that you are ok, well damnit be grateful that somebody cares about you. And Re'ale, I am completely finished!!! I can no longer allow you to drive my blood pressure up or my T-cell count down because you're thinking that I'm either fuckin playin or think that this is a joke. STOP WASTING MY TIME BECAUSE IT'S TOO PRECIOUS TO WASTE!!!
STOP MAKING EXCUSES!!!
When I confronted him about his lack of calling, you know he told me that he didn't know he could leave messages on my work phone (lie #1), that it didn't occur to him to call my cell phone or text message me (lies #2 and #3 - total bullshit) and that he was sorry. I'm so sick and tired of people using the words "I'm Sorry" as a damn crutch!

ANOTHER THING about sorry ass niggas...while I was on my two-hour lunch today I was leaving the Thompson Center downtown and ran into this guy that I've known by-sight-but-not-really-by-name for years. We start walking and talking, and I decided I wanted to hang out with him this afternoon after I got off...you know, go have a cocktail or something. When it came time to exchange numbers this is how it went:
Tim: So what's your number so I can hit you up when I get off?
Person A: What's YOUR number?
Tim: Now come on, I asked you for your number first. Here's a pen and paper.
Person A: I'll give you mine after you give me yours.
Tim: I don't have time for games. Give me your number and I'll definitely do the same.
Person A: I can't give it out.
which immediately led me to taking my pen back from this scrub and leaving him standing there at Madison and Wabash. My point is, why do niggas always have to play a stupid game? My head hurts almost daily because people want to be ignorant and play ignorant games. I'm 28 years old and the only games I like to play or be played in are on my computer and PS2.

SPEAKING OF SORRY NIGGAS THAT LIKE TO PLAY GAMES....there's Craig. Now Craig and I have physically known each other for at least 3-4 years, ever since I lived in Hyde Park. Craig was even on American Idol...he made it to Hollywood but got cut. Now the last time we saw each other I lived in Hyde Park, and had to put him out of my house because I don't appreciate it when people tell me how to run my house. (Click here to read that particular entry.) Anyhow last Thursday we were supposed to hang out at my house - I even volunteered to pick him up from his house because his car wasn't available. At 2:00pm he agreed to that, but at 6:45pm when I was on my way to his house, he told me that he was afraid of my attitude and that I might jap out on him. I told him "whatever, I'll talk to you later" and hung up the phone. He ended up texting me this morning asking if he could see me tonight (obviously he has his car back but I digress) and I told him that I'd have to see. When I called him back at noontime, he had an attitude so I hung up and sent him a message basically telling him that we needed to chill out. He blew up my cell phone at that point explaining to me that he was not feeling well and on medication. If you're not feeling well and are on medication, why would you be coming over to my house to make me sick too???

OK - let's switch gears here.

Darren came over yesterday afternoon. We had a good time together. We talked, explained to each other what we wanted, and then decided to see if it could happen. We even decided to make plans to try and go to the White Sox game on July 4. I want to get seats on Club Level at $20 a pop. Darren seems like cool peeps, he works, is old school and likes to have fun. I think at this point however a relationship is not going to happen immediately because my mind isn't right. I'm not in the frame of mind of being in a relationship because right now I know I'm very bitter and jaded, because I've been treated like a throw rug for the longest. Who knows what can happen in the future however.....

Timberland Update:
I acquired 5 pairs of Timberlands this year: Red, White, Dark Blue, Tan and Burgandy. I want the black ones and the wheat ones, and my collection will be complete. I'll put a photo up here eventually. But yes I love Timberland, Enyce, Girbaud, Guess and Akademics.

Borrowing A Line:
Tony has gotton into Memes. I had to steal a post from him. It's called "Have You Honestly..."
1. ... got so drunk u woke up in an unfamiliar bed? well yeah i have, that's why i don't drink anymore.
2. ... got so pissed that you almost strangled someone? TODAY.
3. ... got so hungry you feel like eating your own flesh? ewww...no!
4. ... got so addicted to something that got you in trouble? oh yeah, DNA (dick n ass)
5. ... got so sick you feel like dying? yeah when i first got on my meds

I have the Mayor's reception tomorrow, Pride on the Plaza on Thursday, and the Pride Parade on Sunday. Also I no longer have a boyfriend so I guess I can let loose at the Pride Parade this year. I guess things do happen for a reason.

Thank you all for listening. More later...

Monday Again
Topic: Life
I hope everyone had a good weekend. For starters, let me say a BIG what's up to Trent and Tony. Always good to holla at you all.

Let me get on my soapbox for just a minute. Maybe it's just me, but I'm so sick and tired of these wanna-be on the DL niggas (that have pictures of their face, dick and ass on men4now.com and adam4adam.com), these real queeny guys that think they're better than everybody, and these niggas out there that don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. I'm tired of niggas that think it's fun to get all up in your business and then turn the facts around. I'm also tired of niggas that wanna get mad because I speak my mind and don't mince words...even when it comes to my friends. Yeah I may be a black gay male, yeah I may be positive but you best believe that I don't give a damn about what anybody has to say or think about me. And furthermore, I may not have a SUV, I may only live in a studio, and fags in Chicago may talk about me like a damn dog, but I'm grateful for the little blessings that I do have, and NOBODY can take those away from me. And I can guarantee that it's more than you have!!! Fuck y'all!!!

On a lighter note, I ran into someone today named Darren. Now Darren and I have known each other for about three years off-and-on. I was on my way back from CTA headquarters this afternoon on the #20 Madison bus and saw him get off at State Street. (Ironically it was my stop.) I hopped off and ran up to him. We walked and talked for a little bit, then we went to Subway. Come to find out, Darren has pretty much had the hots for me for the past two years, and I kinda thought that, but also thought it would never work because Darren and I are both tops...and personally, I KNOW I would want to hit it sometime soon. Darren is about 6 feet tall, a very thick brotha, and extremely attractive. He works (THANK YOU GOD) and has his own place. Today we're hanging out for a little while. We'll see how it goes.

Finally, Re'ale. Yes I do care about him very much but after this weekend I'm not so sure. Remember on Saturday's entry I said that he couldn't take me? I really got to thinking about that. While I'm not an overly agressive top, I do like to hit it every now and then (I mean REALLY hit it, thug-style with the timberlands on, you name it). Saturday I wasn't really going for the gusto and he was only able to take me for about a minute and a half! He told me that he had to get used to me, which I can understand.
But what I can't understand is that in the beginning he was taking it like a soldier, and now all of a sudden he can't. Can someone explain that one to me?

This week I have a lot going on. There's the Mayor's Gala for the GLBT community (invite only) on Wednesday, my event at Bank One Plaza on Thursday, and then the Pride Parade on Sunday. The following weekend is Chicago's version of Black Gay Pride, so for the next couple of weeks I'll be hopping. I'm quite sure I'll have some interesting stories to tell, so stay tuned!!! New stuff every day!

More later...

A Public Invitation
Mood:  celebratory
On Thursday, June 23, 2005, Bank One (my job) will be having PRIDE ON THE PLAZA, a celebration of Pride Month. It will be held at Bank One Plaza, located at Monroe and Dearborn streets in downtown Chicago. I will be hosting this event on behalf of PRIDE-Chicago, Bank One's GLBT organization, in which I am the chairperson.

Food and drinks (both alcoholic and non-alcoholic) are FREE. Admission is FREE.

I am inviting all of my online blog readers to come and join us!!!

If you have a question please post it as a comment and I'll answer it, within 12 hours.

Back To Normality?
Topic: Life
OK so me and Re'ale got back together. It came at the price of both of us admitting that we were both wrong.

So check this out. I called him early this morning and told him that I wanted to talk to him. My associate Xavier was with me from last night so I took him to the train station before going to pick up Re'ale. First we go to his aunt's friend's house so he could get some money, then we went to North Riverside Park Mall to look around and to eat. On the way there I told him that I was sorry for acting like an ass. He said the same thing, and we put that in the past.

When we got back to my place, I felt like we had done like that song "Break Up To Make Up". We had us some damn good make up sex. We had some wonderful foreplay, then he wanted me to fuck him. So I completely obliged. I got on his back, flipped him over and got inside him. Unfortunately he couldn't take too much of me for too long, then we just jagged off.

So for the moment, all is well.

The Trouble With Re'ale - Chapter II
Mood:  irritated
Topic: Life
HE LIED TO ME AGAIN.

Regardless of the size of the lie, a lie is a lie, no matter what. When he came over to my house on Tuesday, he was obviously affected by alcohol. Seeing as it was his graduation night, I didn't think too much of it.
Convo from Tuesday Night:
Tim: So how does it feel to be a graduate?
Re'ale: It doesn't really feel different.
Tim: It hasn't hit you yet but it will. How many drinks did you have tonight?
Re'ale: I had six shots of vodka.

Note that the key words are in red. Come to find out this morning that he lied about that too. He didn't have six, he had TEN. In all honesty, I wouldn't have cared how many he had, provided he didn't lie to me about it. This is the second (and final) time he's lied about something that he didn't have to lie about.

I called the Hilton Garden Inn and immediately cancelled the reservation for tonight. I refuse to be with anyone that has to tell lies period, then turn around and come up with a fantastic story to try and cover up a lie. For instance:
Convo from this morning:
Tim: Why didn't you call me back last night? I was up until 3AM waiting for you.
Re'ale: I'm sorry. I'm under a lot of pressure. I was arguring with my aunt all night last night....
Tim: I told you that you were changing. The last time you were under a lot of pressure, and arguring with everyone in the house you blew up my cell phone trying to find me. And now all of a sudden you're "forgetting" stuff? Come on now...
Re'ale: But still.....nothing is changing. I'm not changing because of that (my HIV status)

The rest of that conversation is a blur because I was so upset and angry at him that I just had to hang up the phone. Another thing that got me was that he said I was "pushing him away" by arguring with him. No buddy, YOU'RE pushing ME away by telling these lies!!!

So I quit! I give up on him. I wish him the best of luck in college but I have to look out for myself. I have to go with what actions are showing me, and actions are showing me that this is not going to work out.

More later...

The Trouble With Re'ale
Mood:  down
Topic: Life
HE DID IT AGAIN.

I guess I'm just a stickler for detail but when someone says that they're going to do something, it should be done right? Last night Re'ale and I were talking when he said "well I'm going to go and I'll call you back in twenty minutes". I guess time went to minute 19 and stopped because I have not heard from him. This truly is not like him, and I believe something is up.

You know, Churchboy said it best yesterday:
Yo - yo son...I think it's a wrap between you and the high school graduate. You're right - if communication is dwindling and he's not the same as he used to be, thn in his mind...it's completely over. If I were you, I wouldn't even waste my time trying to recover w/him. I'd just leave it where it is - and move forward. If it is to be, then cool - but, you can probably guess that at this point, it's not going back to where it once was. Oh, the whims and carpices of the youth...that's what a wise ol' queen told me once.

Here's the problem: I really do like him. I don't want to hurt him. I guess for me it's difficult to let go once I get really attached to someone. I even went as far as getting him a graduation present that I'll bet no one has thought of: tonight I was going to take him to Addison, Illinois, to the Hilton Garden Inn for the evening, including a trip to Dave and Buster's Addison for dinner and games. As I sit here this morning I'm actually debating whether or not I should take him, and cancel the reservation. I called him this morning and (big surprise!) got his voicemail. I left him a message. Hopefully he'll decide to call me back today. I have a feeling that this could be the final chapter in this series.

An update later (maybe)....

Random Thoughts
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Life
With nothing really to do at work today, I've just been thinking about stuff...

For starters, Re'ale. I seriously think that I did more damage than good by telling him what was really up with me. Things aren't the same anymore. Our communication has dwindled, he doesn't seem that excited about being with me/around me anymore, and he doesn't even tell me at the end of our conversations "I'm feelin you" anymore. Again, maybe it's my paranoia or fear of being alone, but maybe it's just him trying to accept me now...I honestly don't know.

Second thought: what do I really want? A couple years ago that answer would have been simple: A good nigga that works (or is in school), is holding down his own, that isn't totally dependent on another, that wants to do things with his other half, that isn't a big club-head or into games, that isn't ASHAMED of who they are (in other words is NOT DL), that I can trust. Over time I withdrew some of the things I wanted because I wanted to be with someone so badly, that I sacrificed some of me to be with them. I kept taking away and taking away until there was nothing left. Then I entered the I-Don't-Give-A-Damn stage, where I just fucked niggas just to be fuckin niggas. Looking back at that, I realized that I allowed niggas to control me by sacrificing myself and my beliefs, just to feel wanted for a short while. Like Derek said in his journal:

Sure you have many partners and are possibly sexed out of your mind but at night when you wanna be held or when the thunder is loud....are those people you've been nutting with there to comfort you....

When you need $20 more to cover that bill....are those niggas that were screaming your name there to bail you out.

When you wake up one day and find yourself 50 or 60 years old with years of ass under your belt but no one to share dinner, vacation or retirement with.....then what?

Yeah I'm looking for the one brotha that I can hold...that will help me out...that I can retire with. ONE nigga. Yeah I may go on men4now and adam4adam (because I know some hatin bitch is probably reading this and wants to try and check me) but the good news is that once I get COMMITTED, that all stops.

On another note, I'm going to start mirroring this blog with my old blog on blogger.com, starting with this entry. At some point this particular blog will disappear and I'll switch back to blogger.

This by far will not be the only entry today. More later...

A Whole Bunch Of Dilemmas...And The Sex Quiz
Mood:  quizzical
Topic: Life
Today I got a couple of dilemmas.

First of all, I know I need to get out more. A brief story: I partied every night from the time I turned 21 until the time I turned 25. I stopped going out COMPLETELY from 25 until about 27. Then I started going out every blue moon. I'm sitting at work today actually thinking about going out tonight, but (1) don't know where to go and (2) probably wouldn't want to get up in the morning. Should I go out, should I go out more, and where would I go on a Wednesday night?

Second dilemma. Yesterday at the graduation Re'ale introduced me to his aunt, his sister, his father and his brother. He introduced me to everyone as "one of my good friends". I played the role but in the back of my mind it just stuck with me. Stuck with me to the point whereas he came over to the house yesterday evening, and he was intoxicated. Not sloppy drunk, but you could tell he had been drinking. We started messing around, but I guess the liquor and the thoughts from what I told him earlier prevented him from going full throttle. All we did was kiss, lick each other, and jag off. It's been quite a while since I've had some good boy-punani, and I definitely need it!!! Jagging off just doesn't do it all the time, but I digress. My dilemma is, if he introduced me to his family as his "good friend", what's really going on? Maybe it's just my paranoia, but what gives? If you truly love a person as much as you say you do....need I go on?

OK, enough of the dilemmas. Feel free to leave comments.

I was on emotionalbrotha's weblog and came across this Sex Quiz. I had to put it up here and take it as well. (I hope you don't mind me usurping it from your blog man!)

1) How would you describe your sex role? Top, Bottom, or in the middle? Vers/Top

2) How old were you when you first had sex? 15

3) Was it straight or gay sex? Gay

4) How long did it last? Oh about 45 minutes

5) Do you remember his/her name? Yes

6) When was the last time you had sex? Depends on the definition of sex. Messing around - last night. Being inside of someone - it's been a minute

7) Where did you have sex at? My place

8) When was the best time have sex, early morning, afternoon, or late night booty call? Hell, ANYTIME!

9) What is the first thing you notice about someone you are attracted to? Eyes/Smile

10) Second thing? Personality

11) Third thing? Body and the way they carry themselves

12) Have you ever participated in group sex (group being 4 or more)? Hell yeah!

13) When was the last time you participated in group sex? I plead the fifth...LOL

14) Which is better, being watched during sex or watching sex? Watching, hands down

15) Have you ever douple dipped? (had sex with more than one person at seperate times in one day) Uh, yeah

16) Have you ever faked an orgasm? Telling the truth, yeah I have, during a phone bone

17) What is the weirdest sexual request someone has asked you to perform? "Water sports" (to pee on someone)

18) Did you do it? HELL NAW!

19) Have you ever had sex in public and where? Yeah, Jackson Park (I have no shame in my game, we've all been there once or twice..LOL)

20) What is your record number of orgasms in one day? You mean how many nuts in one day? 8.

21) Would you rather have great sex with an ugly guy/gal or ok sex with a hot guy/gal? Great sex with a ugly guy/gal

22) Would you ever tell a lie to have sex with someone? Yeah, but I try not to do it.

23) How would you rate your sex life on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the best? Probably a 7

24) Do you know how many sexual partners you have had sex with? WAY too many

25) Finally did you think about having sex after taking this quiz? I always think about sex.


More later...

HE DID IT!!!!!!!
Mood:  celebratory
Re'ale GRADUATED!!!!!!!

Even though we may fuss and fight, and even though we see things differently, I still do care about him very much. Really I do. Sometimes we say things in anger that we will soon come to regret. And yes I've been angry at him for the past few days. But all in all, I still do care about him.

THE JACKSON VERDICT
Mood:  happy
Topic: Life
NOT GUILTY ON ALL TEN COUNTS!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by Tim at 4:19 PM CDT

Updated: Monday, June 13, 2005 4:33 PM CDT

Share This Post

Post Comment | Permalink